Digression- Let's talk about love. October 8th and 10th 2002

SUPER TINY CHARACTER LIST

Mister Ghost and Mister Superficial are from my book He Seemed Normal…

The days are long here. I am constantly trying to look busy. I miss being busy. At Eckerd, 8 hours seems like nothing. There is no sitting, eating, and most of all no time for thinking about anything not pharmacy related. Today as I sat on the rocking chair in front of the nursing home (my orchestra stand partner in high school Dana is a firm believer that meeting someone is all about exposure, she said you just need to be out and about constantly so I am hearing her voice as I am outside drinking coffee) and attempting to read a chart. I got to thinking- What is life all about? I seem to be around a lot of death these days and it has affected me. So here is what I have come up with.

1.       Marriage is important because life is too hard to deal with on your own, and no one really wants to be alone.

2.       Kids are important because they keep you from killing yourself when you spouse dies/leaves.

3.       It is crucial who you marry because they are more than just a reflection of you, they are your life.

4.       Your job is just a job but you better like it because you have to spend a lot of time there.

5.       Shit happens all the time, all day long, and you will be happy to have a spouse and kids when it happens to be there for you.

6.       Food can make or break your day; you are what you eat.

7.       People want to help others but most of all they want to help themselves.

8.       People have a lot to say and want to be heard but rarely people want to listen.

I guess I could go on forever spouting out these “truths” in this fashion as I see them based on my piddly 22 years of existence. But, I have been doing a lot of listening lately and what I have noticed is that it all boils down to love. Love is why we get up and go to sleep to do it all again. I am living with the hope that I will find love in the form of a tall, handsome, intelligent, and funny young man who would like nothing more than to go to sleep and wake up and have some kids and a fucking fabulous life. I found myself saying thank you in advance for the love that I have found, marveled at, and been blessed with over and over in the hopes that will somehow bring it into my life. 

While I am daydreaming about love, the maintenance man at the nursing home told me that his “wife had a heart attack (not date given) while I waited for EMS to show up, I prayed. When EMS showed up- the Lord and I had already brought her back. She is still with me. That’s the truth.” So, love can be that powerful and prayer. There is the proof. I believe the maintenance man.

I do not have love yet. I am not even remotely close to having and knowing what love is. I also have no idea how to get it or find it and even worse while in Tarrboro Mister Ghost is everywhere. How did this happen and why can’t I let it go already? It is really annoying. The book I am reading, the music on my computer, and a picture of his sister (why do I even have this?). These are three things which I just happened to look at and listen to tonight and they are all connected to him. Strange. I need to work on this. Delete music, put picture away (I can’t throw away his sister), hurry up and finish the book and then just give it all away. Problem solved.

Also, Stanley called. The guy who asked for my number at the nursing home on Monday. Stanley called and I realized that Mister Superficial will probably never randomly call me. Both statements are sad but true. Here I am complaining about not having love in my life, but I already know I am not going to call Stanley back. What is wrong with me? Moving on. I made my friend Thomas shudder. I wish I could remember what caused him to have such a strong reaction, but it was shocking to see someone shudder in real life. I feel like I have only seen that in movies. So, that isn’t good but that is also him; generally, he hates people, so it was only a matter of time before he hated me too.

Moment of self-pity please- why do all the males I like end up pushing me far, far away? Just look, I am in freaking Area L, and they are still pushing. I really need to refocus, find my farmer, and get back to this chart.