Meltdowns and Not Proceeding with any Caution January 15, 26, 28 and February 2, 2003

I had a meltdown this evening. As with every other meltdown in my life, it happened in front of my parents. I look forward to my weekends all week because I am able to go back to Chapel Thrill. I get to see movies and old friends, work for money (I don’t think I have shared with you yet that I have to pay to work on these rotations and not the other way around), and most importantly see my family. This weekend was full of frustration and anger and not enough time. I spent the weekend attending obligations. It was a foreshadowing of adult life, and it scared me because it sucked, so bad. Am I so immature that I will want to jump out of my skin and run screaming every time I don’t get to do what I would like? This isn’t good. I thought I was better than that, but I guess I thought wrong. I was also disturbed this weekend by four things. 1. The amount of alcohol I have been consuming is entirely too much. Will have to cut back for obvious reasons. 2. The amount of caffeine I have been consuming is at an all-time high. Will have to cut back for obvious reasons. 3. I am in a vicious pattern. Please see 1 and 2. 4. I am developing strong feelings for an old friend. This has never gone well in the past. Will proceed with caution and more distance.  

My entire life I have been fed the line that the best relationships start out as friendships. So, if I am looking for a boyfriend, maybe I should start there? My friends that are guys. I have been thinking about this possible transition from friendship to relationship a lot and as a result I had a dream that Thomas accepted me/gave into me. In the dream, I am looking at Mister Superficial and he looks at me. I feel like it will be our reunion after these 8 plus months of rotations, so I am entranced. But then Thomas sits right down next to me. I am surprised he is there and startled that he is right there and engaging me in conversation. Maybe it was that he brought me prematurely out of my trance with Mister Superficial but for whatever reason I start to cry. I am a crybaby, even in my dreams. Thomas kisses my forehead and I look at him in shock and amazement. He looks at me very matter of a fact and says, “isn’t this what you wanted?”  Yes, it is, for so long. I wanted it for so long and I thought it was never going to happen. Well, it still hasn’t really happened, but if I can dream it, it is possible. Right? I feel like this is something else that has been fed to me my entire life. Well, the dream was so nice that it got me through today, pleasantly. My hope is that it can become my reality because when he is there, all my focus/energy is on him. That must mean something. Right?

Back in reality it seems as if I had my wake-up call that Mister Superficial is no longer my interest nor my friend. He only cares about himself, so he doesn’t need me caring about him too. Why was I always trying to include him when most of the time I am seeing him struggling to remember my name? He never wanted me around. This is so clear to me now, but like everything else it sure took me a long time to figure it out. Too long.

At least in my dreams, it is Thomas who is the friend that I can see becoming a boyfriend. Maybe. Well, in my one dream. I felt this way about him at the very end of high school and beginning of college too but at that time I just chalked our non-romance up to us being young and attending different colleges. This time I am older, wiser, and ready. It is do or die this time and I am busting the first move. Why? This is something I have always wanted and the time seems right. The worst he can say is no. I’ll live either way and at least I will know. This could be good, even great, or hurt like hell.

Preparing for the Draft- February 5, 2003

Today I got my first real job offer. It was from Eckerd. I am going to take it and continue my relationship with Eckerd. For better or worse, in sickness and in health. This party is moving to South Carolina. It is going to be great!  

The Rejection- February 9, 2003

I hate to sound all dramatic, but it really was the rejection of all rejections for me tonight. So here is the run down. He said-

“Like a date?”

“Aren’t you moving to Charleston?”

“I don’t want to ruin anything.”

“We have been friends for so long.”

“Maybe we missed our window?”

Silence

I said- “It could be good?”

“Please say something else.”

So, oh well. I risked it and now I know. Everything happens for a reason, and I probably didn’t want to be associated with him anyway. See how quickly I turn? No wonder he doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me.

Why can’t I be one of those people who don’t remember their dreams? Why am I so desperate? Maybe I just wanted someone to love? Maybe I just wanted to be loved? Oh well, not yet. I have never said oh well this much in my life. Oh well. Now I just have to hope I didn’t ruin our friendship. I probably did. How do we come back from this? Anyone can answer. Thanks.