Vietnam January 21, 2003
Today I sat with a Vietnam vet who is suffering from PTSD, survivor’s guilt, and depression among other things. He fought in Vietnam for one year. He is 54. He has horrific nightmares which awake him. He never ends these dreams but rather wakes up just before things get really bad. He has a hard time writing and a harder time writing down these dreams which is where I come in. He has spent years trying to get rid of these nightmares. I will not describe any of them here because I don’t want you to have a nightmare. He has talked ad nauseum to many people about his experiences in Vietnam but as much as he tried to get them out of him, they seem to resurface every night. Some nightmares are nightmares based on his experiences while some are just that, his experiences which are nightmares. We spent a lot of time talking about Vietnam today. The doctor wanted him to write down alternative positive/happy endings to his nightmares. That was our task.
How do you make war and death happy and positive? Well, we tried. The only positive thing he could remember about his time in Vietnam was a dog named Blackie (who died there). So, we had to take ourselves out of Vietnam. “I would like to be on the beach listening to soul music and drinking a Coke”. Well, that sounded perfect to me, so we made that an ending. Our only alternative ending. Would this work? I had serious doubts. Every day I felt more and more unprepared and useless as a soon to be pharmacist, so it was nice to pretend that I was actually helping this man, and it was an honor to spend my day trying to assist him. Honestly, it was a real pleasure. I hope he gets that day on the beach.
As an aside my preceptor these days is older, thirty-seven to be exact, and looks like Michael J. Fox. He asked me out for a beer after he asked me to hear him give a talk. I went to his talk because I thought I was required to attend for my rotation. I think he is great, very funny and smart, and perhaps the heterosexual version of Peter? I think this is who I will always be looking for and he better exist. The preceptor had a piece of floss sticking out of his loafer the other day which I pointed out. As he removed it, all he said was “I don’t even use the stuff”. So, it sounds like he has someone in his life. Will continue to monitor.
The beer part though, that caught me off guard. He wasn’t actually asking me out on a date. He is probably just trying to get to know me outside of the facility which is nice. I am always reading way too much into things. Always. He is 14 years older than me, and is my preceptor. I need to get a grip. Why am I so desperate for a boyfriend? I don’t like this feeling.
A couple of days after I spent the day with the Vietnam vet, he found me and said he didn’t have a nightmare the night after we spoke. I don’t know if he was just trying to get discharged or if it was true but of course, I hoped and acted like it was true. I don’t know much but I know it is never that easy. Nothing is.